Our new neighbors

drink with them!

So, it’s been a month since MTV flung us – fist-pumping, kicking and screaming – into the national spotlight. Unless you live under a rock, the controversy swirling around Jersey Shore is inescapable. From UNICO’s claims that the show perpetuates negative stereotypes about Italian-Americans to Shore locals’ Times Square protests, it’s easy to understand why this foul-mouthed, low-brow, pop culture train wreck is ruffling feathers all over the Garden State. As an Italian-American living just three miles north of the Seaside Heights house these hooligans invaded for a month, I thought I was going to be ticked off. I was dreading the show’s premier after seeing the promos.

Instead, I was actually pleasantly surprised at just how much I laughed at the inanity playing out on my television screen. This show is just too ridiculous to hate. It would be too exhausting to come up with a myriad of reasons why this absolute trash is a complete misrepresentation, which of course it is. These guys are hamming it up for the cameras and most of us are happily laughing along. If you’ve caught any of the cast members late night interviews, you can see that they know it’s a big joke and they’re along for the ride. Of course, it’s easy to wish Sammi, Snooki and the gang spent more time following intellectual pursuits, but cumbersome summer reading lists wouldn’t give us such gems as “That’s why I don’t eat frickin lobster or anything. They’re alive when you kill it, that’s frickin disgusting.”

If you have been living under a rock or just can’t be bothered with this nonsense but are teensy bit curious, Gawker Media writer Brian Moylan’s recaps and live blogs are a fantastic way to put it into context. Check out the readers’ comments for extra snark.

I’ve spent most weekends this summer out and about in glorious Seaside Heights and have yet to have a negative run-in with my Italian brethren. (No, I don’t think “guido” isn’t really all that offensive. It’s unfortunate that MTV used it in promos, but there’s no other widely known word to describe our juiced up, gelled out, deep tanned, fist pumping friends. There are far worse Italian slurs in the world.) If you want to find clubbers of this ilk, you have to know where to go and when to go there – Bamboo, apparently Karma (although a cab driver this weekend said no one really ever goes to Karma, present company included), Surf Club on a Sunday afternoon, the DJ room of Osprey. While I think we (regular bar-hoppers and guids alike) can harmoniously co-exist, said cab driver called skunk-haired JWOWW a brat and worse. Guess he wasn’t a fan of her sequined panty-and-fishnet outfits.

Rather than get my pleather miniskirt (or whatever now-ousted Angelina is wearing in the above picture – check out her cankles)  in a bunch, I saw the most recent episode airing on New Year’s Eve as a chance to get the at-home party started. With the help of my boyfriend, brother’s girlfriend, friend from high school and little brother, we created what might be the most comprehensive Jersey Shore drinking game yet. (Obviously, we need a little disclaimer here: if you’re going to play along with booze, be careful!)

Take a sip when:

• A cast member calls someone “bro.”
• A cast member calls another cast member by a nickname.
• A cast member is late for work at the Shore Store.
• A cast member fist-pumps.
• A cast member uses the phrase guido or guidette.
• The crew visits Karma.
• Sammi and Ronnie have a lovers’ spat.
• A cast member refers to being Italian.
• A cast member threatens to leave.
• A cast member insults New Jersey (feel free to hurl expletives at your TV as well).
• The boardwalk skyride is seen.
• The Situation invites random girls to the hot tub.
• Vinny appears onscreen.

Take two sips when:

• Snooki is called Snickers.
• A cast member cheats on his/her significant other.
• JWOWW wears something that would be better suited for a strip club.
• The Situation refers to himself as such.
• Snooki wears a trucker hat, completely oblivious that the trend ended in 2003.
• Cast members tan indoors, rather than on the beach outside their house.
• The cast visits a business you frequent.
• The duck phone quacks.
• The poorly drawn New Jersey outline on the garage door is visible.
• DJ Pauly D refers to the “1s and 2s.”

Drink half a beer when:

• Snooki successfully interacts with a guy. May include kissing him or getting a phone number.
• The cast visits Steaks Unlimited, preferred late-night spot of their predecessor: Tommy Cheeseballs.
• A cast member punches someone.

Finish your beer when:

• A cast member is punched.
• Someone is arrested after a tussle.

We made these up not knowing that Vinny was going to take a starring role in “Just Another Day at the Shore”, but he scored a lot of face time this week. Sorry about that.

Yes, this show will make us the butt of even more jokes. It will probably bring an even larger influx of badly-behaved visitors in the summer. I’ll even go far enough to say that it probably represents what’s so massively wrong with my generation. But, it’s here and it’s not going away. We may as well get in on the joke, or else we’d have a situation on our hands – and it wouldn’t be as hilarious and somewhat endearingly goofy and alarming douchey as the one below.

lovingly borrowed from a Gawker commenter