Beachgoers get way too close for comfort, so let's try to get along. (gratefully borrowed from nj.com via Google images)

In light of the Seaside Heights beach smoking ban, the Star-Ledger’s NJ.com asked readers what else should be banned from our fine beaches. As someone who supplemented her tips from waitressing throughout all five years of college by badge checking, let me be the first to tell you: plenty. There aren’t enough hours in the day for me to tell you Shore restaurant etiquette, so we’ll just stick to the beach for now.

Bart Brooks makes some quality points, but I’m going to have to disagree with his Nos. 3 and 4. Jellyfish and seaweed? Sorry Bart, they are nuisances but can’t we all get along? We’re invading their turf, not the other way around. Yes, I know eutrophication is causing a major influx in jellies in the bay, but I haven’t seen too many on the beach this summer. Then again, I haven’t seen too much of the beach this summer. And who doesn’t love a good clear jellyfish fight? No? Just me?

My picks for permanent beach banishment:

• Loud radios/talking: Look, just because you want to listen to the Pussycat Dolls or Kenny Chesney or what have you doesn’t mean I do too. I always cringe when people my age are blasting profane music or cursing loudly. Don’t get me wrong, I can cuss with the best of them, but not in public and not around kids.
• Smoking: Yep, I’m gonna have to agree with Seaside. Nothing ruins a good beach day more than sitting down wind of a human chimney. Cigarettes, cigars, hookahs, corncob pipes, whatever. I think my biggest gripe with smoke on hot days is the fact that I just can’t wrap my mind around the idea of inhaling smoke into my body when it’s 90 degrees out. But, hey, I’m not a smoker, so what do I know?
• People who wear flipflops past the beach entrance:You don’t have to be one of those people who think they’re cool enough to leave their flipflops on top of the beach (what’s with that? When I checked badges I would be surrounded by sandals by noon), but when you wear them down to your spot, you kick up sand all over the place! I don’t want your sand splashed up into my face or my book so just take them off and carry.
• Excessive jewelry/makeup: Are you going to some sort of photo shoot? No? So then knock it off. Sure I’ve been guilty of beaching it with smudges of last night’s mascara, but I don’t get why some girls feel the need to completely put on their face before they go sweat out in the sun. Same thing for jewelry. Unless you plan on getting lost and need your gold to catch the sun to signal passing planes, leave it at home.
• Runaway umbrellas:If you can’t keep your umbrella properly in the sand, forget it. Those things are WEAPONS! Have you ever seen an umbrella take flight in the wind? It’s terrifying – especially the kind whose bottoms look like corkscrews. Can you imagine that damage one of those bad boys can do if it catches you in the torso?
• Ridiculous amounts of sand toys: I swear, some parents think they need to cart the entire beach toy department of Ben Franklin with them. The kids never even play with the damn things anyway; they’re off doing their own thing. My kids are getting one bucket and one shovel each. Boogies boards are optional and must be carried by the child. Sounds mean? I don’t care.
• Public displays of discipline: When I checked badges, I was subjected to many time outs on the benches at the top of the beach. Parents, I get it, your kids are misbehaving. But when you yell, threaten and punish your offspring in public, I don’t know what to do. Call DYFS? Look away? I overheard this gem of a conversation one day in 2007: Mom-If you keep crying like this, everyone will know you’re a brat. Little Boy: No, you’re a brat! (bad idea, kid). Mom: That’s it, you’re getting hot sauce in your mouth! (what??) Little Boy: There’s no hot sauce at the Shore! Mom: Yeah? Wanna make a bet? You’ll be very sorry.

Clearly, I can go on. But I’ll refrain. But  please, I’m sure this list can be expanded. Or even disputed. So comment away!